Sorry, I lied. We're going to talk about ADHD and coding

 

Every time I have a medication change, I watch season 2, episode 6 of Bob's Burgers. There is something about the way Gayle barges in with "Guess who's on new meds!" that gets me every time. Perhaps it is because of my own medication history. 

I haven't discussed it much here, but my genotype does not play nicely with most medications. They either don't work at all or give me horrific side effects. For most of my life, I felt like I'd been duped. I was Georgie looking at Pennywise in the gutter, but instead of promises of a paper boat, I was told I could function in neurotypical society. 

 

I didn't lose an arm or my life, just my physical health and all hope of behaving like a Normal Human Being™. After several years and two seizures, the GeneSight test rectified this for me and revealed the two medications that could treat my depression/anxiety and behave as expected.

What does this have to do with coding? In December, I had the privilege of adding ADHD to my long list of diagnoses.  Unfortunately, GeneSight does not cover the drugs that treat ADHD, so my healthcare provider and I are stuck playing the guessing game of what will actually work. 

We tried Strattera and I became like a sleeping dragon with extraordinarily high blood pressure. After work, I'd crash in my bedroom and annihilate anyone who bothered me. I use the term "bother" very loosely, as it was mostly my dear husband checking in to bring me food and ensure I was still among the living, bless his heart.  

Now I'm trying Adderall and hoping it will help my poor working memory. Working memory is what most people think of as short-term memory. While most people may be able to listen to instructions and immediately put them to use, I cannot. It has nothing to do with paying attention, it's that my working memory is so bad, I have no recollection of what I was just told. It's the same reason I may read a sentence or paragraph over and over again and have no idea what it said. 

Needless to say, this is a problem I am learning to navigate in my coding career. A lot of coding is reading, whether it be in the form of language documentation, proofreading your code, or deciphering another person's. 

My brain hates this. It causes me to make a lot of basic mistakes and I feel especially stupid when other people notice them (which happened a lot today). Here's how I'm managing it:

• I chose to stop telling myself that I am stupid. Why? Well, it isn't particularly constructive and I'm not stupid. I got here despite my ADHD, which is awesome.
  
  
• Write down everything. I do my best to keep a written record I can refer to. It isn't always helpful because I like to get hyper-focused on one thing and may forget finer details, but it's better than nothing.
  
  
• I told my boss. If you're comfortable with yours, this may help you, too. I explained that I'm in treatment to find a medication that works and I was worried people may mistake my crap working memory for not listening/caring. He was super cool and understanding about it. This helped ease my anxiety because I knew especially with the medication change that I'd be prone to leaving seemingly careless mistakes.
  
  
• Read things out loud. It will help you slow down and give you more time to process. This is especially helpful if you're facing a wall of text that looks like a blur. I will highlight with my cursor as I go along to help keep my place.
  
  
• Stop being embarrassed. This is a hard one, but when you find yourself making obvious mistakes, it is best to correct them and move on. There's no need to be constantly apologizing or explaining yourself. Your identity should not be rooted in what others think of you because people's opinions are unstable and constantly changing. You need to find your security in something immutable. 

So, that's why I haven't posted. I study a lot in a vain attempt to make up for my goldfish memory and I've been struggling with medication side-effects. 

All of that being said, I do feel optimistic. Despite my ADHD, I got through college and coding bootcamp. I can recall feeling overwhelmed/making "dumb" mistakes at previous jobs, only to excel with repetition. 

P.S. If you're struggling, feel free to reach out! I'm always happy to talk. If you also have a mental disorder, please know that you CAN  still achieve your goals! You may be wired differently and have to work harder than the average person, but it can happen! With every accomplishment, you can feel proud that you did it in spite of what can often feel like an impediment! (Disclaimer: It took me 29 years to realize this, so don't worry if you're not there yet.)

 

New Beginnings and a Mouth Full of Gauze

 

My mornings are anti-climactic, but involve an unusual step: Spackle on five layers of concealer to cover up the green bruise that's become the best of friends with the swollen lump along my jaw and cheek. 

I tell myself I do this not out of vanity, but of politeness. Wouldn't want anyone to think my husband is a wife-beater. It really does look like I've been punched in the face repeatedly, but what remains is the brutal aftermath of an unexpected surgery.

It was supposed to be a simple wisdom tooth extraction. I was awake, dizzy from nitrous oxide as my skilled dentist went to town on the tooth removal. I trust my dentist and feel like he is generally an awesome guy, but what occurred no one could have predicted. The bone my tooth had comfortably lodged itself into was calcified and buttressed on all sides. 

What x-rays had indicated would be an easy removal turned into a living nightmare as I listened to my tooth cracking into shards, unwilling to depart from their fortress. The rotating tools were brought out and I was treated to the delightful aroma of tooth and bone dust as my dentist struggled, the overhead lamp glinting off his magnifying glasses. 

I sobbed uncontrollably and finally, the symphony of saws ceased. 

"You really need to be asleep for this," my dentist declared. 

Apparently, in his thirty plus years of practice, he had never seen anything quite as stubborn as my tooth. Due to the 2D nature of the x-rays, it was impossible to predict. 

"Normally it's like pulling a nail out of styrofoam, but yours is like trying to remove a fish hook from concrete."

I was sent directly to an oral surgeon, my mouth stuffed with gauze.

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I started my new job on Tuesday, still bruised, swollen, and unable to speak coherently. It's okay, though. As I've gotten older, there's very little that embarrasses me. It might be due to maturity over time, but it could also be the prescription drugs. Who knows? 

*Disclaimer: For anyone jumping in, these are drugs prescribed to me for anxiety/depression that I take in the way directed by my doctor. *

It is so nice to be working again! My boss and team seem amazing. I like that there's a culture of admitting mistakes without fear. Several times, I've seen someone admit to missing a detail or another coworker notice an error and no one makes a big deal about it. They acknowledge it, correct it (or state their plan for correction), and move on. This is a far cry from some of the other places I've worked. There would be a lot of blame shifting, screaming, etc. I like this new environment a lot! It seems like a great place to learn!

Currently, I'm working from home. I've been assigned an "onboarding buddy" and I've been pairing with him. We haven't done much coding yet because our team is in a bit of a time crunch and it's all hands on deck, but the experience is still valuable. I'm learning a lot of new terminology and how our software is used and interacted with internally and externally. 

I had to figure out how to set up the mac and change paths, etc. This took a lot of Googling because the only other time I did this it was for a PC (which also took a lot of Googling, but I digress). I hate how a lot of instructional websites assume you know what Vim is or how to change an environment variable.  This may be obvious to the seasoned programmer, but not to me. 

Next post: I will attempt to alleviate the future suffering of others by telling you exactly how to change an environment variable, install Maven, and get other common programs up and running. 

Graduation and What Follows

 

It's funny; I had a post waiting in the wings called "Halfway Through the Final Capstone," but I didn't have time to finish it. The last two weeks were a blur with 12+ hour work days, struggling through code, and finally celebrating success. 

On December 21, 2014 I graduated from The Ohio State University and ended the day in tears. They were the culmination of over four years of anxiety and financial instability for a degree I never wanted, but was pressured into obtaining. As an adult, I must own this choice, but it doesn't change the fact the financial instability has been ever-present, always lingering in the background as I struggled through now-resolved health issues and dead end jobs (no matter how enjoyable they may have been). I'd be reminded every time the paper statements arrived in the mail or FedLoan withdrew half of what I earned in a month. 

I always insisted on paper because the Gremlin of Pettiness inside of me delighted in costing the student loan companies a few pennies in profit to send the bills via post, despite the environmental impact. Hey, I'm still growing. :P 

When I was accepted into Tech Elevator and later received the Agility Partners scholarship, I was offered hope and a lifeline. In fourteen weeks, with the support of fellow students, amazing instructors, and the team at Agility Partners, I learned skills that will impact the rest of my future. Not just my future, but my family's future. 

Mike and I were/are not destitute by any means, but what we made would not allow us to expand our family. Since we got married in 2012, we have wanted to adopt a child from Mike's home country of Ukraine. International adoption is incredibly expensive and for years it seemed impossible to even start saving. 

Tech Elevator has equipped me to find freedom from debt and to hopefully start saving towards something (someone!) wonderful. 

Thanks to Agility Partners, I will be starting at Fuse by Cardinal Health in January. Excited is an understatement. 

As time has passed, I've learned a few things about myself:

• I'm a hard worker and don't give up easily.
•  I love learning and will stand up to a challenge.  
• I'm easygoing, but not afraid to speak up when it matters. 
• I can work alone, but I also make a great teammate because I don't see other people as threats to my personal success. I will be your biggest cheerleader and also, hopefully, your friend.  

I look forward to bringing these qualities to the workplace. I'm thrilled to start working on projects that will make an impactful difference in people's lives.

 

Today is December 18, 2020. I graduated and more than a few tears were shed, but this time it is because I am so sad to leave. Thank you to everyone who helped get me here. Aside from the obvious mentioned above, I've also got to thank (in no particular order):

• Ruth and Larson who encouraged me/brought me study snacks so I wouldn't forget to eat and starve
• My husband, Mike, who has had to deal with an absentee wife and more than his fair share of household chores. He has also had to endure me laughing/complaining about technical things he doesn't understand. 
• Jane, who was more than gracious when I had to cancel some of our weekly hangouts in order to study.
• Diane, who also had to tolerate more than her fair share of my flakiness and still texted me when I'd forget what day/week it was. 

To any of my fellow Tech Elevator graduates who may be reading this: I am so proud of all of you. You have worked so hard and are going off to do amazing things. Please get some well-deserved rest and sleep soundly tonight. I hope we'll still stay in touch.  <3

 

P.S. This isn't the end of this blog. When all is said and done, I'm a writer at heart. Be prepared to hear about side projects, my new job, and general tech stuff. I'll spill all the tea about starting a job fresh out of boot camp and more. Just you wait. ;)

8.2: Coding Bootcamp: Casual Suffering Playlist Now Live!

Struggling with imposter syndrome? Been looking at code for so long that your brain has melted like the crayons your kid left in the backseat of the car? 

Settle down, my friend. Let me tell you a story. 

My parents have lived in the same home for over a decade. In fact, I, too, used to live in that home for several years. It is conveniently located about ten minutes away from me and is nearly a straight shot down Cleveland Avenue. 

My parents and I are not estranged, we see each other frequently, however, two weeks into Tech Elevator, I got lost on the way to their house. 

I just kept driving down Cleveland, wondering where I should turn. I was exhausted and only realized something was wrong when I noticed twenty minutes had passed instead of the usual ten. 

Point of the story? Coding brain is very real. Take a break and get pumped with some dancy tunes, provided by yours truly. ;)

P.S.A. This playlist is great for adults, but not necessarily for children. I wouldn't blast it for family fun time.  If you're looking for something that would be appropriate for kids, try listening to The Aquabats. They also have a fun tv show that is available on YouTube. 

5.4: Why Can't I Git It?

I feel like a girl who dies in a horror movie. Not the first one --the one that is typically offed because...well, slut-shaming, but the second. 

The Second Girl is blissfully unaware of the imminent trauma. She is busy working at a hip coffee shop alone at night, hiking, or being a good friend to The Final Girl. Basically, the kind of stuff that would make a great medication commercial if played in a series of short clips with an uncomfortable smile. 

Second Girl is just trying to live her life and then she gets knifed or eaten. She takes out the trash and ignores the faint scuttling from behind the dumpster. Then poof. Gone. 

That's how I feel. 

I'm overwhelmed and second-guessing myself. There's a voice in my head that tells me I'm too stupid and might as well quit. Java is the monster and the program being executed is me...sorry, that's a bad joke and the analogy breaks down there.

I'm telling you this because I want to represent an honest look at what coding boot camp is like. It's not always easy;  there's a reason why Redrum is one of my most popular posts to date. 

So, what set this off today? I had an issue with an optional exercise and went to my instructor for help. He explained some things but when I went to implement his instructions, my code still didn't run and so naturally I assume I am dumber than the troll in the girls' first-floor bathroom. It is late and I am too ashamed to admit to him I didn't understand his instructions, thus the natural decision was to admit it publicly to a bunch of strangers. :)

I will play around with it more tomorrow after some rest. I didn't really get to stop coding today, so I'm feeling fried. If I don't figure it out, I'll swallow my pride and ask again because I really care about learning this stuff.

Just an FYI: I know that this shroud of despair and self-doubt will pass. I will be able to look back on this post with a feeling of accomplishment, just like I do with Redrum. Eventually, I understood how to use loops and arrays. The same will happen for this concept, too. 

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TL;DR: Coding boot camp is hard. You will have bad days. It gets better. 

Quick Personal Update

 Hey! I fully intend to post more, but the past week and a half has been crazy. 

As many of you know, my cat, Kikyo, has cancer. If I've mentioned it more than once, I'm sorry, my brain is a cabbage; I haven't been this stressed in a while. 

When we first got her back from surgery, she required medication (which she did not want to take!) three times a day and cold therapy. She was and is still under constant supervision because jumping could tear her stitches. 

She has to wear a cone of shame, but unfortunately, this has triggered an undesirable result in my dumb dog, Argo. While she is wearing the cone, he suddenly thinks she is prey worthy of attack. We must keep them separate at all times and cry softly into our hands. :)

So, off to go...err,  humidify my hands.  Later, friends. <3

Intro

I'm Elaina. I'm 29 and I feel fine...sort of. If you don't count the world crashing down around me and the persistent shroud of depression and anxiety that I've struggled to suppress my entire life. :)

No, really, I'm okay. Nowadays, people who don't know me very well might even describe me as bubbly and talkative. I've got the meds to thank for that. Now, the playing field is more even. I'm ready for the next challenge.

Speaking of challenges, I was accepted into a coding boot camp, Tech Elevator. It's the kind that's so intensive, you have to quit your job and pray you will find another when all is said and done. This would be terrifying under normal circumstances, especially for someone like me who grew up fairly poor, but is even more nerve-wracking considering how COVID-19 has affected hiring. 

I like consistency. There is something very special in knowing you can afford your next meal that I will never take for granted. A small part of me fears I may have given that up, but an even greater segment is brimming with excitement...